There is an ache deep in my heart. An ache that sometimes rumbles and at others screams. A random moment it is silenced but not for long, just long enough to draw a breath and appreciate the stillness at that moment. This ache reverberates into all that I do. It sees me making decisions based on how to quiet its voice. These are never good choices and always lead to the louder screams, for the ache is only ever quelled by one thing. The simple, yet powerful longing to belong.
Why this need to belong, this aching need to reach out and have another confirm who we are and all that we represent? This need that is supposed to be met as a child. The need to have a parent accept us as we are and tell us that we are enough and that we can dream and achieve. For those who have significance in our lives to speak the words of I love you and mean it. Without a breath drawn and other words added to the end. Just a very large full stop.
And isn’t that all anybody needs? The need to be loved and accepted for who they are, without condition. We can try all we might to achieve in order to be that person we hope to be and yet we are still waiting for those words that will penetrate past the insecurities and reach into our heart and spirit. They never do. The negative is so much more powerful than the positive compliments. I don’t think even a lifetime of niceties would be able to penetrate the internal struggle of who we are.
Then God speaks and says good and faithful servant over us and we want to grab onto it and never let the words drift, yet like all words they are fleeting. They have greater power and are able to penetrate the negative but their power is used up and needs to be continually fed. The power of his word is strong but also only lasts for the moment.
His words are powered by his amazing grace, through Jesus Christ, and grace is as fleeting as the snowflake caught on your skin. It is only available in the present moment. Always connected to the creator. So outside of being connected to our creator God, being grafted to the vine of life, we are never going to have our needs fulfilled.
It sounds so easy and yet, it isn’t. It is to sacrifice all that the world floods us with every minute of every day. It is to choose to live singled out. To walk a different path, in a different direction than all the word says to go. It is to watch the school of fish swim past you and swim towards the waterfall. To journey towards purpose and meaning by walking away from everything that feels like it does give those things. To turn and walk away by yourself. To turn towards your creator and know you are doing the right thing and have your feelings tell you otherwise.
Pursuing Jesus is a very lonely journey.
Maybe I am doing something wrong but for me, it is incredibly lonely. I strive to live as he calls me to and then strives to seek him each day. Then I lose focus and stumble around a bit and realise I have hit another sore point and I am trying to figure things out before heading back to the cross.
We people are daft creatures. I know that Jesus will always bring understanding and peace when I am confused and hurting. Yet, there is so much in me that fights and tries to understand before submitting. It feels like the cycle is constantly submitting, walking with joy, finding new pain or simply losing my focus, trying to figure it all out, realising I can’t and need to just be still and trust God. Then I submit again reluctantly and then with vigour. Joy returns and off I go again.
I don’t know what is wrong with me that I constantly give things to God and then take them back so quickly. I want nothing more than to be used by God in whatever way he sees fit. I have given him my life so many times and submitted myself to his plans and it has brought so much heartache and tears. And so much joy and freedom. I trust him with everything but I still struggle to let go of my hearts desires.
Lord, I want to give all my hopes and dreams to you. I want to have peace and allow you to plan my life. I simply don’t understand and am struggling with where things are going and all the time I spend trying to understand instead of just trusting you. It is wasted energy and I don’t know how to stop. It brings me down and the doubts and fears start to plague me.
I know that you are for me. I know that you want the best for me and I know that I will never see all that you can see. My desires are right. And yet it was all so wrong. I then wanted them more than I wanted you. I wasn’t being obedient and the heartbreak when that almost ended me and yet it didn’t.
You have sustained me through that and I know you will sustain me through much more. You are a good God and I trust you with everything. I know you have a significant role for me, and I long to fulfil it no matter the cost. Help me to be obedient to you. Help me to fully understand that you are the reward. You are my eternal reward and my reward on earth. Being in relationship with you is my ultimate goal. Journeying to know you more each day is the purpose of my life.
I know this will bring heartache but I also know you will get me through it. I don’t fear the days ahead. I am looking forward to them. I struggle to be patient and to sit and be still. You are my everything, the air I breathe and I feel like I have been holding my breath for the last few weeks. Please give me more of you.